Redefining Physical Features

By Lily Ng

During my first two years of college, I was not your best student when it came to class participation. I would not raise my hand unless I knew the correct answer nor would I look up at the professor whenever he/she was about to cold-call on someone. Typically, an average college student can get away with things like that mainly because of class size, class time limits, or distribution of your grade to other important areas (i.e. exams and papers). However, when you choose to attend a school with a population of 1,400 students and major in disciplines that are revolved around class discussions, being shy about speaking up will not do you any favors. (Disclaimer: This is not to say big schools do not expect their students to participate, but rather small schools are more likely to have smaller classes, which consequently, increases the visibility of students and time availability for their opinions.)

As I entered junior year, let’s say, I grew out of my shell. Aside from the facts that I have gained confidence from performing in a college dance group and realized that my class participation grade actually mattered, my willingness to speak up was mostly motivated by emotions of discomfort and tokenization in my classes. In one of my sociology courses, my professor started a class discussion about Asian women and skincare. There were only three Asian-American students in a relatively diverse classroom, and I felt as if the professor was waiting for us to speak up to validate her analysis of the issue. At first, there was a dead silence from a simple question such as “from your experience, what do you think?” Then, the other two Asian students gave their personal input. After those two stories, I definitely felt like I was put on the spot to say something. Thus, I put in my two cents about my experience.

There were many different questions that ran through my head in those five minutes of awkwardness. Is this the professor’s way of connecting with me so that I will speak up more in class? Is the professor tokenizing my role as an Asian-American woman in the classroom? Am I tokenizing myself if I do speak up? Why did the other Asian-American students feel obligated to speak up? Will I be a good representation of my community to offer anything profound or legitimate? And ultimately, am I thinking too deeply about this?

This experience pretty much motivated me to “shine” in other ways. Although I will never really know what the professor’s motive, if any, was on that day, I tried my best to show the class that my personality does not end with my physical identity. Towards the end of the course, I chose to facilitate a class discussion on black politics and hip hop music to prove that I had read the assigned material, and also, designed questions that motivated everyone else to participate. As a result, I received great reviews and comments back from my classmates. I was still a little shy about individual class participation, but at least I was able to show everyone that I am capable of speaking up, especially beyond topics that are related to Asia.

Despite how that class ended, those types of questions actually linger within me in almost every other class, group/ team meetings, and the workplace. This is not to say I feel marginalized or victimized wherever I go. Instead, those questions are what I use to remind myself that I have a lot more to offer. I can speak about being my ethnic background, but I can also speak about being a college graduate with a double degree in Economics and Sociology & Anthropology, who enjoys Latin and Hip Hop dancing. I am a proud Asian-American woman, and I should never feel uncomfortable or limited for being one in any situation. This message motivates me to learn and try new things, and hopefully, I can extend it to others in the future.